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Making the choice
Exploring the origins of our feelings - control, security, approval, fear
Letting go - Another way
Living in the present
The inner response to change
Change is one of the very few certainties in life and it is the area with which many of us have the greatest difficulty. With the fast-paced lives that we now lead, constant change is a major and inescapable fact of life for us all.
Just as the caterpillar changes into a butterfly so will we develop, grow and change throughout our lives, whether we wish to or not. Life is change and growth. 
In general, there are two types of change in our everyday lives:
Environmental – changes that happen to us, from outside of us, and over which we may seemingly have little or no control; and
Personal – changes that we decide on, happening from within ourselves.
When change is causing us difficulty, it is obviously important to respond to it creatively rather than destructively. So many people wish for serenity in their lives, often in the expectation that when they achieve it, their lives will become stable and unchanging. But what is more helpful is to be able to experience serenity while we are responding to change – because change is not going to stop happening whatever we do or don’t do.
From my research and the anecdotal evidence I have gathered from my healing work, there seems to be a sequence of actions that can help us towards achieving the serenity that will help us respond creatively to change.
1. Making the choice
Life is full of choices and one of those can be to allow ourselves to seek and achieve serenity. This will set us on the path to being able to respond to change in a creative way that will open up all the opportunities available to us.
This may sound too simple to be effective but many people believe that the more complicated their lives are, the fuller they are. The truth is that the more we rush through life trying to include absolutely everything we possibly can, the less we tend to fully experience, remember and achieve.
It seems that much of the stress that most of us experience is related to having too much going on in our lives – this should give us a clue as to whether or not living life like a speedboat crashing through and above the waves is the most effective way to live. And it’s not insignificant that speedboats spend a lot of time just skimming across the water, much as we tend to skim across the process of living, leading to a superficial experience.
Serenity allows us to deeply experience our lives because we are giving the present moment our full attention, not agonising over the past or looking towards the next thing we’re going to do.
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2. Exploring the origins of our feelings
What facilitates or prevents us from enjoying our lives to the full are the feelings that arise in us at every moment of the day. In our busy lives, we tend not to allow ourselves time to fully experience these feelings and explore where they come from, if they’re valid or not, and to absorb what they might be teaching us about ourselves and others.
 This is not to say that we should all spend most of every day ‘navel-gazing’ but simply that we should allow ourselves to stop at points during the day when situations impact on us, rather than simply allowing them to flow past us.
Giving a little thought to the feelings that arise, so that we can learn the most we can from the way we respond to the people and events in our lives, can give us deeper experiences in our lives that we actually remember fairly accurately.
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Our feelings seem to originate from four main sources:
A wish to control
As soon as we realise that we are an individual (usually fairly early on in our childhood), we wish to have control at different levels. This can be something about which we become obsessive, something that we think about very little, or at any level in between those two extremes. Our desire to control can change from moment to moment depending on our mood, the circumstances, the people with whom we’re interacting and many other factors.
A lack of control over our environment (family, friends, living space, the weather, etc.) can cause us to feel unstable and uneasy. This feeling can last for very short periods of time up to whole lifetimes for some people.
The lack of control that we feel may not just be in terms of our environment but we may feel that we ourselves are out of control, as in addiction to drugs, alcohol, food, or lack of direction. Most of us go through a period in our lives when we feel we are out of control in some way. Sometimes it seems that no matter what we do or how hard we try to get that control back, we still remain in an unstable state.
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A wish for security
Leading on from wanting to control is a wish for security because we usually feel that if we can control our environment we can achieve some level of security in our lives.
Some of us can go through life with little or no real security and enjoy the freedom and excitement that it offers – our security is within us and doesn’t need to be confirmed by any external source. But most of us require a higher level of security than this, the level varying from one person to another.
Being secure can mean different things to different people. A good relationship with a partner can be enough for some, where others need to have as much material wealth as possible to make them feel comfortable. Others need only a secure job, which in itself nowadays is becoming rarer! The differences are as many as the souls populating the planet.
If we don’t have the level of security that we think we need, we tend to feel uneasy and restless.
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A wish for approval
From our earliest years, most of us at some point, or perhaps for most of our lives, look for the approval of our parents and/or other family members, friends or peers, teachers, employers and many others with whom we interact.
Whilst it’s often helpful to have the approval of others, it's not always essential, and approval of ourselves is the more important issue. Without our own approval, we cannot have a healthy self-esteem, which knocks our confidence in our ability to be able to achieve our goals or at least lead what we believe to be a successful and fulfilling life.
Many people are over-critical of others as a way of making themselves feel more worthy and this often stems from never having had the approval of loved ones or close friends from an early age.
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Fear
The prevailing emotion on the planet today is that of fear, but most of what we fear never actually happens – it’s based on past experience (often inaccurately recalled), low self-esteem, a perceived lack of control, lack of approval from others, a vivid imagination, or any combination of these and other beliefs.
We learn to fear at an early age because that’s what keeps us safe, as in learning to fear fire or high places with no safety rails, because all of these have the potential to cause us harm.
But as we live our lives, listening to the news, watching TV, reading the newspapers and interacting with others, the learning of that basic lesson can escalate into irrational fear, at different levels – of events, situations and people in many areas of our lives.
Being fearless can be foolhardy but understanding where our fears come from is a form of wisdom that can be invaluable in allowing us to take risks that can reap great rewards or simply allow us to live a stable life for the most part.
But the root of all our fears seems to be that we believe ourselves to be alone in this world, despite all the evidence to the contrary in a physical sense. Clearly, we are not alone in a world of billions of souls but our religions, cultures and lifestyles have led us to a point where many of us feel as if we are not supported – we are separate from everyone else.
There is not a soul on this planet who does not at some time experience joy, sadness, fear, compassion, anger, frustration and any other emotion you like to name. The experiences are the same - admittedly with many twists - but we are definitely not alone in our feelings.
From a spiritual point of view, my belief is that we all come from one Source; we are all ‘spirit friends’ who have come to this planet to learn the lessons that will allow us eventually to evolve to higher levels of spiritual awareness. We’re all here helping one another to learn – even when the events that give us those lessons are hurtful, depressing, irritating, horrific, tragic or infuriating. They are all lessons for us.
Viewing life as a college course from which we want to graduate with distinction allows us to be more serene about everything that happens in our lives – the good and the not so good. From experience, I know that when tragedy arises, treating it as a way to learn the lessons that it teaches helps us to respond creatively and move on when it’s over so that we can grow and develop.
Many people are looking for ‘the meaning of life’ and this could be it, but even if it’s not the case, it could be a far more fulfilling way to live than just skimming across the surface like a speedboat!
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3. Letting go
So how do we get to the point of living a serene and stable life in the face of so much change?
When people say that you just have to ‘let go’ of something, through visualization, affirmations, positive thought and any number of other ways, these are all good tools. But they may not address the underlying reason for ‘hanging on’ to a situation, a grudge, a wish for approval from a specific person or any other challenge we might have. (see also Another Way)
It may be that you have a way of responding to change that works for you and, if it does, then keep going with it. Just as there are millions of souls on the planet so there are millions of ways that we all find to cope with whatever is going on in our lives and the changes that are created.
But if alarm bells tend to ring when you start to experience a change in your life, the suggested process that follows may help. If something is causing you to feel the emotions that we generally call negative, e.g. apprehension, anger, frustration:
1. Ask yourself where it’s coming from. Is it lack of control, approval or security? What do you fear – what’s the worst that can happen? Do you feel alone or separate from others? It may take some time to work this out because in general none of us wants to admit to feeling any of these things but keep asking yourself the questions.
2. Once you’ve established the origin of your feelings, ask yourself how you would feel if the origin was no longer in your life. In other words, would you feel a loss if you no longer allowed circumstances or your life choices to control you? Would there be a gap in your life if you felt that someone, or no one, approved of you? Would you find it difficult to be secure and not worry about your security? Would you feel unnerved by not fearing a particular event, person or situation?
As a first response, you might think the answers to these questions are obvious but, if you allow yourself a little time to think about it, there are situations where you might want to continue responding and feeling the way you are currently.
For instance, some of us might find that it suits us to allow someone else to make our decisions for us, perhaps because we know we’re indecisive or can’t really be bothered.
Some of us might find that worrying about our security has become a habit that, if broken, would make us feel even more insecure.
Often the source of our concern about something is that someone else feels we ought to respond in a different way – a parent may feel that their daughter should not be ‘controlled’ by her partner and urge her to find a new partner.
Some people really enjoy amassing possessions, collecting friends or changing jobs to enhance their security, and there's no reason why they should give this up - as long as they're not harming anyone else.
If you decide that you don’t want to change something about yourself and you have identified the reasons for that, you can ‘let go’ of your negative or destructive feelings about it and move on.
If you discover that you do want to ‘let go’ of the feelings that you have had up to now, you can take the necessary action to change the situation, ‘let go’ of it and move on with your life. Either way, you’ve resolved your negative or destructive feelings.
3. When you come to a point where you’ve established the origin of your feelings and choose to do something to move yourself forward, you will probably find that the resolution will present itself, sometimes in several different ways. You have planted the 'seed' of change in your mind.
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Another way
Some people find that they are unable to trace the origin of their feelings and I believe it is not always necessary for everyone to do this, despite what some psychologists and counsellors may suggest. It would be wonderful if we were all able to recall the point at which our particular fear or response to particular situations and people originated but it is not always possible.
Simply admitting to ourselves that we have these feelings and fears and gradually pushing ourselves to face up to them, one step at a time, so that we can absorb and adjust to our changing attitudes can be just as successful and finding the origins.
If our fears prevent us from living the life we would wish, this gives us the necessary motivation to work on these fears. For example, someone who has a fear of large groups of people would normally ensure that they were only with one or two people at a time and would probably avoid large, busy shops. If they work on relaxing themselves when they are on their own so that they become more relaxed at other times and then gradually change the types of location they frequent so that there are progressively more people around them, they can often overcome their fear of large groups of people.
Clearly, if someone has a more serious phobia about anything, they need to seek help from a trained professional, initially contacting their GP to arrange it. But many of the fears we have are not serious enough to warrant such help - just the motivation to resolve the situation through sensible avenues of activity.
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Living in the present
Exploring our inner self in this way does require that we spend most of our time living in the present, which is not easy with all the ‘sound and vision bites’ that we’re exposed to and the high level of background noise that can distract us.
When we do get enough peace to think more clearly, most of us are either agonizing over the past or looking towards the next thing we’re going to do.
It is often helpful to think about what the past, present and future really are:
Past - true or false?
When we recall the past we are re-creating those events and situations in our minds. Our re-creations are nearly always inaccurate because we all have our own perception of what happened – there are many versions of truth but the one version we always feel we can trust is the one we create! But it’s still our perception.
For instance, holding grudges against people is a self-defeating activity because we’ve probably forgotten the point of the argument, perceived disrespect or threat at the time anyway. Holding on to our perception prevents us from moving on and developing a relationship or situation in our lives which would be to our advantage.
Future imperfect
The future is just a series of dreams, wishes and hopes. It’s not real because we don’t know what’s going to happen. That’s the most exciting part of it – all those wonderful experiences and lessons from which we can learn have yet to reach us but they’re all there just waiting for us to catch up with them. In a negative sense, the future can also raise great fears in us – fears of things that, for the most part, never happen.
Present reality
The present is the only reality and that’s fleeting. What you did or thought one second ago has now become the past and you have no idea what’s going to happen in the next few minutes.
Focusing on what we’re thinking or doing at this moment in time is the way we experience life to the full and allow ourselves to re-create more accurate memories. It is the way we learn as much as we possibly can about ourselves, others, new skills, new activities and thousands of other experiences.
 To get used to thinking in the present, start by spending an hour a day monitoring your thoughts and bringing them back to focus on the present every time they wander off on the past or the future. You’ll probably find it quite tiring at first because it’ll be an effort. Gradually you can increase the timespan in which you monitor your thoughts until you spend most of your waking hours firmly grounded in the present.
Having said that, no one can spend every moment in the present, and day-dreaming for some of the time can be very productive – but only if you do it when it's safe (not while you're driving or using dangerous equipment!) or by choosing to sit and day-dream at specific times. Spontaneous day-dreaming is great but not always practical and allowing yourself this treat too often can mean you miss out on many opportunities in life.
The key to knowing if you really are thinking in the present is by thinking about how you feel now in this split second in time and finding that everything is probably fine.
You’re not worrying about, or dwelling on, what happened in the past and you’re not wishing your life away by thinking about the future. If you’re doing either of these things, then you’re not thinking in the present. The present is where your serenity lies and this gives you the stability to respond creatively to whatever changes take place in your life.
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The inner response to change
Hopefully it is obvious to you by now that your serenity in responding to whatever happens in your life, is created within your self, and that the way you respond is completely your choice.
It’s your choice to make your life as happy or unhappy, as fulfilling or unfulfilling, as simple or as complicated, as creative or destructive as you wish. You may find that you get knocked off course temporarily when something major happens. But if you've already found that place within you that is serene and calm, it really will be a very temporary situation.
Your life is your responsibility as is your response to change.
Remember: These are just thoughts and they are inside your head. You can choose to retain them or change them without reference to anyone else. No one can make you think in a certain way – it is always your choice.
Learning to accept ourselves
The thousands of thoughts we have are inside our heads so we can choose to retain them or change them without reference to anyone else. No one can make us think in a certain way - it is always our choice. Our response to change is governed by our thoughts and one of the greatest hurdles to a creative response to change is a destructive view of ourselves.
Learning to accept (or love) ourselves first is a major part of overcoming the events or rea ctions of other people who will dent our self-respect, self-esteem, and our belief in ourselves generally. However, doing the standard exercise of proclaiming our love for ourselves in front of a mirror every day is not something most of us can do, despite what many ‘gurus’ suggest.
A more effective way of learning to accept ourselves may be to think about the things that we’ve done in our lives (the good and the not so good) and know that, whilst with hindsight, we would perhaps have responded differently to some of them, we did the best with the experience, knowledge and wisdom we had at the time. That’s all anyone can do – there is nothing else. Because we’re all growing and developing at every moment, we will always be wiser in hindsight.
When we’re learning lessons, we make mistakes sometimes and it’s all part of the learning process. These are not even mistakes because life is a series of experiments that either work or don’t. We’re exploring our potential while we’re here and that will involve some blissful, scary, mediocre, tragic and spectacularly disastrous experiments – that’s how we learn!
Responding to change in a loving way – to ourselves and others – takes the sting out of the worst experiences and heightens the best. Because that’s the main lesson we’re here to learn – how to love ourselves, other souls, all creatures, nature and our environment in equal quantities. We are not separate – we are all part of the same gloriously wonderful universe.
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